Today was London's annual cardiology checkup.

The truth is, I hate these appointments. I always have, and I am betting I always will. I know it is at these appointments that I am going to find out just how good or bad London's little heart is doing.

For the last couple of years I have made it a point to have lots of talks with London in the days leading up to her visit. I like to tell her exactly what is going to happen so that she doesn't have to be scared of the unknown. I also like to remind her how important it is to be a good girl and to do exactly what is asked of her. I know that it is hard for a 4 year old to stay still, and this is an appointment that you have to do a lot of sitting still.

What surprised me the most about our pre-appointment talk was that London had a lot of questions for me. I had to remind her several times that this was just a check up, and that nothing scary was going to happen. It was the first year that she seemed genially nervous. It made me realize that she is becoming more aware of why she has a belly full of scars.

As we were getting ready on the morning of her appointment, I asked if she was nervous. She immediately said nope in the most confident of voices. But a little later, as I was braiding her hair, she told me she might be a little nervous. It made my heart a little sad for her. I told her it was ok to be a little nervous, and to keep her mind off of the day we spent the rest of the time talking about what movie she was going to watch when they were taking pictures of her heart. 

When they called us back for her ECHO, I could see all over her face that those nerves hadn't gone away yet. I was pretty grateful that Tony and I got to go back with her, and that she didn't have to be alone. 

When the tech asked what movie she wanted to watch, she immediately looked at me. Having to make that choice in that moment scared her, and I could totally relate to those feelings because I have them too. I had an overwhelming feeling of gratefulness that I was her safe place. After hearing her options, she decided on Inside Out. The tech seemed pretty happy with her choice and admitted that he was happy that he didn't have to watch frozen again.

The ECHO tech was so great, and was really good at explaining everything that he was doing. It didn't take London long to realize that she was in good hands. At one point during her ECHO you could hear her heart beat. I told London what the noise was that she was hearing and you could just see her little brain start to work. She got the biggest smile on her face every time she heard that thump thump thump. 

Next up was her EKG. Definitely not as stressful as her ECHO because it doesn't take as long, but it still required London to sit very still and quiet. It must have been our lucky day, because she did great and it took no time at all. The worst part of the whole day may have been the removal of all those stickers!

For London the hard part was over, but for me it was just beginning. 

Sitting in that room waiting for the cardiologist to come in is probably the worst feeling ever. I know that as we are sitting there keeping our little girl entertained, her doctor is in another room looking over the results of her ECHO and EKG. 

We know what if feels like to get bad news, we've been there. We also know what is feels like to get good news, we've been there too. I was obviously praying that at this doctors visit, we would get the good news.

What I wasn't expecting was great news!!

Dr. G said that London was doing exceptionally well!! And it wasn't a "for her condition" kinda well, it was a for real your little girl is doing pretty darn amazing! 

So for the next 12 months I can breath a little better, and love my girl a little more fully, and soak up everything this life as London's mama has to offer. For the next 12 months I can smile a little bigger because I know that my little girl is going to be ok! It the best news a mama can hear.

What happens in 12 months, we get to go to London's next cardiology appointment and feel all of those scared, overwhelming, anxious, and hopefully happy feelings all over again. But for now we are just going to breath

(journaled September 9th)

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